Raiden's Answering machine
by GuyWithNoOriginality
Summary: I've put every single Raiden's Answering Machine under one story. I will continue writing until I cannot think of anymore messages. That will be a while. Rated T-M for language and sex related humor.
1. Chapter 1

Raiden: Hello you have reached Raiden's answering machine, leave a message after the (beep) 

Scorpion: Hey, I should kill you! You took my playboys give them back! (beep)

Sub Zero: Hey, where were you last night? my power is out, could you stick your head in the power outlet to charge it up? ( beep)

Lui Kang: hey this is not good, Bruce Lee called and said he wants to beat me up, Why? (beep)

Ryu: This is Ryu we want Ken back So tell "Kobra" to get back here (beep)

Kenshi: yes, I found the button! But Stryker took my Katana for reasons beyond me no where is the off button CAN SOMEONE HELP ME (beep)

Drahmin: Stryker is humping hisself with the Katana, You better get it (beep)

Stryker: Man, Kenshi got it back, all I was doing was putting holes in something (beep)

Blockbuster; hello sir, we need Mortal Kombat the Movie back, It's 5 days overdue! (beep)

Video Warehouse: We believe you rented Thunder God Women gone wild, we need it back (beep)

Scorpion: thanks for giving them back, I love Porn (beep)

Scorpion: I will kill you! You messed up one of my magizines I found white, slimey stuff in it, It even had little electrical charges in it (beep)

Sub Zero: Thanks for getting the power back, sorry about your certain part getting burned, but that was all that would fit (beep)

Jax: when we going to the strip club (beep)

Scorpion: I cleaned it off, I guess we are cool (beep)

Shang Tsung: I hate You, GIVE ME BACK MY TWINKIES! (beep)

Jax: Man, Jarek is meanie, He gave me a wedgie! (beep)

Candy:You still owe me 50 dollars for that Bj, my mouth still burns from it! (beeos)

Voice:no more Messages


	2. Chapter 2

Raiden has more messages which say the following:

Raiden: If you hear this that means i'm not here and i'm out killing somebody leave your message after the beep

Quan Chi: Hey, did you catch the latest episode of "The Golden Girls" I love that show! (beep)

Kung Lao: I called to tell you that I'm gong to be in a movie called "Indinia Jones turns chinese and kills everyone" that's all (beep)

Havik: Help! I broke my neck! Oh wait, i'm already dead! Oh damn I'm like soooo dense today (beep)

Noob: Hey, I don't appreciate you calling me a Noob, i'm going to kick my borther's ass, he has always been the favorite, like in high school he got frost while i was stuck with Smoke (beep)

Noob: I'm sorry for that message, I understand that you was just saying my name which is "Noob" maybe i should change it to "Boob" haha "Boob" i love that. (beep)

Stryker: I'm famous, on wikipedia it says that i was named most popular, then it says Scorpion is the least popular. (beep)

Scorpion: How dare you take my tuna sandwhich, I shall avenge my sandwhich! (beep)

Stryker: Today is my best day yet, I got some viagra! (beep)

Shao Kahn: Hey, why weren't you at the family reunion, just because i'm evil and your good doesn't mean we can't speak to each other, it's always your evil,evil,evil, don't you just talk to say hi! Anyways come next time to the reunion, you know how your mother Sindel gets when you don't show, she gets really angry! (beep)

Reptile: I just got a magizing called "Playamphibian" it's like Playboy, except with gators, yum!

Walmart:Hi, just calling to verify that was you that ordered our "Barbie gone wild" doll, it costs 5.00 (beep)

Sub Zero: What did I tell you about drinking? You get as crazy as Cho Seung Hui when you do, wait who's Cho Seung Hui? (beep)

Jigsaw: Hello Raiden, I wanna play a game, your whole life involves you teleporting and shocking people, well this time you must play a game of "Mortal Kombat" with me at 4:00 PM if you lose I have to give you a swirlie, If you win You can force me to listen to 50 Cent, that's torture1 (beep)

Jax: I've noticed that your answering Machine is broken, it keeps beeping by itself before your even finished leaving a (beep) huh? See that's what i'm talking about! (beep)

Shinnok: Don't you (beep) call me, if you ever (beep) call me agian I will cut your (beep) off and (beep) your (beep) mom with it you god(beep) son of a (beep)! (beep)

No More (beep) messages


	3. Chapter 3

Raiden- Hey man, I'm to drunk off Thunderbird to answer, but leave a message and I'll never answer!

(beep)

Scorpion- I'm having a party GET OVER HERE!

(beep)

Stryker-You're under arrest for giving me a wedgie.

(beep)

Smoke- I got a problem, these stoner kids keeps harassing me, they keep trying to smoke me!

(beep)

Noob- I'm thinking of being a rapper, Snoob Dogg!

(beep)

Sub-Zero- I gotta lay off the ice man!

(beep)

Quan Chi- I'm having a tea party care to join?

(beep)

Darrius- Why do people say I'm ripping off Jim Kelley?

(beep)

Daegon- Screw you man, how come you never show my messages!

(beep)

Sektor- Somebody took my disc drive that made me heterosexual! I'm finding Cyrax Attractive!

(beep)

Cyrax- beep,beep,beep,bing,bing,boop,beep! That's my mating call.

(beep)

Mileena- can I kill Stryker?

(beep)

Stryker-Why Is Mileena trying to kill me?

(beep)

Jax- Help me! My metal arms have rusted!

(beep)

Baraka- My favorite movie is 'Blade", Ha ha! Get it! "Blade", that's a movie name, and I have Blades! Haa!Get it?? OK, I'm done.

(beep)

Reptile-Something is wrong with me! My spit is green! Oh wait, I'm a reptile! Duh!

(beep)

Kabal- I realized that the Black Dragon sucks, because I'm the leader, Me! A guy with a breathing apparatus!

(beep)

Mavado- Have you seen Kabal's- ahem- my hookswords?

(beep)

Drahmin- I love my flies, but they keep calling me "Mummyman", it's annoying.

(beep)

Meat- Chicks love my meat. So do I, whenever I'm hungry I just slice off some of my belly and eat.

(beep)

Rain- I'll be prince of Edenia after I stop being a princess.

(beep)

Ermac- We need your help, two of my personalities keep fighting, make them stop!

(beep)

Liu Kang- I'm a zombie!? Are they on crack? I didn't want to be dead! They never ask me for my opinion on anything! They once even tried to move Stryker in with me, no way Jose!

(beep)

Kung Lao- Why do I have a blade on my frigging hat? Am I a big James Bond fan or something?

(beep)

Kobra- I know nobody knew about this, but I'm actually Ken!

(beep)

Hsu Hao- I'm M.Bison, Me and "Kobra" were trying to sabotage Mortal Kombat because it's better than Street Fighter.

(beep)

Dairou- Why do I have such a lame storyline? Please kill me!

(beep)

Fujin- Do I look like a woman? With my long ponytail and weird clothes.

(beep)

Kai- I'm a great character aren't I? Sure nobody cares about me but that just means that I'm underrated. Sure I've only been on one MK game not counting MK Armageddon... Fuck it I suck.

(beep)

Reiko- You hungry? Eat my costume because it looks like a fruit roll-up.

(beep)

Shinnok- I'm tired of being evil! I want to be Santa Claus, look at my Santa hat.

(beep)

Sonya- Jax cheated on me with another woman, Stryker!

(beep)

Kira- Kano and Sonya were in a tree, they fucked, had a baby, and that baby is me.

(beep)

Nitara- My vampire gimmick is "original" in an unoriginal sort of way.

(beep)

Shujinko- Sorry for ripping your move off, I'm also sorry for ripping off Sub-Zero, Scorpion, Liu Kang, Sindel, Havik, Li Mei, Kobra, Kung Lao, Ermac, My Doctor, Ryu, Ken, King, Marshall Law, Akuma.

(beep)

Frost- Care to join to "rip-off" club, oh wait, this isn't Jarek?

(beep)

Shujinko-My bus driver, My dog, that hooker I owe money to, George Bush, and Ted Bundy.

(beep)

Chameleon- I'm sorry for ripping off.

(beep)

Khameleon-I'm sorry for ripping off.

(beep)

Li Mei- Yes, I'm finally in this one!

(beep)

Sindel- Don't mess with me, or I'll scream... really loud.

(beep)

Jade- What's the point? Nobody picks me, I'm only a pretty face with boring special moves. Can't they come up with one woman character now that DOESN'T ripoff somebody else?

(beep)

Sareena- Don't fight me, my moves are extremely cheap.

(beep)

Shang Tsung- I'll do something evil, like throw a rock at your Sky Temple.

(beep)

Shao Kahn- Meet me in the Pit, It's going down, meet in the portal, It's going down, meet me in the Acid Pit, It's going down, anywhere you fight me guaranteed your going down.

(beep)

Goro-I got kicked off MK for steroids.

(beep)

Kintaro- Care to wrestle, I'll rip you to pieces!

(beep)

Sheeva- Am I a Man or Woman? Or a Man with boobs?

(beep)

Motaro- I'm half-man, Half-Jackass!

(beep)

Onaga- Boy, I am the king! Even though the King thing has been overdone!

(beep)

Blaze- Help! Help! I'm on fire, AAAAHHHH!

(beep)

Moloch- Salutations my good lad, care to play in an exquisite game of chess?

(beep)

Kitana- If they're going to name me "Katana" at least spell it right!

(beep)

Jarek- Not only can I steal Kano's fatality, I can steal your wallet!

(beep)

Bo Rai Cho- Why do I have to go to AA, I'm not an alcoholic!

(beep)

Kenshi- I have vision again, The elder gods made me a deal that if I killed Kobra I'd have vision, since I hate Kobra, I was glad to do that.

(beep)

Tanya- I've screwed more people than President Bush!

(beep)

Havik- Help! I broke my neck- wait, didn't I do this before? Deja vu baby! Deja Vu!

(beep)

Johnny Cage- I am so cool, my fighting ability is awesome, I do a low blow.

(beep)

Nightwolf- I'm high on life, high in spirit, just plain high.

(beep)

Taven- I should call myself "Scarface" because of that ugly ass scar.

(beep)

Raiden- Ha ha, I called myself, I didn't answer, but I'm right here.

(beep)

Raiden- This is Raiden from Metal Gear Solid, I'm suing you for defamation of Character, you make look tough, everyone knows I'm a pussy.

(beep)

Mokap- I'm gay, look at all the balls all over me.

(beep)

Ashrah-Take me back, I'm your wife!

(beep)

Hotaru- I'm beginning to suspect that I'm gay, I have a woman's name and look like a firefly.

(beep)

Machine- no more messages, whew, finally!


	4. Chapter 4

Raiden-Go ahead,leave a message,see If I care! (beep)

Sub-Zero-You know,I'm glad I have Ice powers,I can freeze people and lick them as if they were Popsicles.

(beep)

Scorpion-Fool! How dare you give me a Ben Stiller movie! You know I hate Ben Stiller!

(beep)

Quan Chi-Shhhhhh,don't tell anybody,but I rewired everything in Stryker's house!

(beep)

Stryker-Damn,call an electrician! Nothing in my house works right!

(beep)

Noob-In your face! Can't call me Noob now! I've reached Amateur level!

(beep)

Kabal-Help me! I can't breath,yet I'm wearing an apparatus,isn't life weird?

(beep)

Jigsaw-I'm back,you feel as if you'll walk away untested? Well,your wrong,you will clean out my car in 20 minutes,if you don't I'll come down there and call you bad names until you do!

(beep)

Sonya-For the last time! I'm engaged to Jax,stop taking pictures of me naked!

(beep)

Ermac-Ha ha,you suck at baseball,a real thunder god can hit a little white ball!

(beep)

Kung Lao-The real Raiden beat on a little drum and was known as a devil,if your going to name yourself after him at least try to act like him!

(beep)

Sub-Zero-Noooooo! They've put me in the nut house.Not because i'm crazy,but because I said that Drahmin was a great character.

(beep)

Shinnok-Can I have my Pokemon cards back?

(beep)

Shang Tsung-That's it! I'm tired of people hating me! It's not my fault that I have lame moves and really non-heterosexual outfits!It's Ed Boon's fault! That's right,Boon,if you hear this,you suck pal!

(beep)

Kenshi-Why do I have this blindfold over my eyes?Who do I think I am,Rambo or someone?

(beep)

Shao Kahn-It's official,Kobra sucks!

(beep)

Kobra-Shao Kahn better stop talking or I'll beat him faster than you can say"I'm the biggest Ken rip-off in history of fighting games"

(beep)

Khameleon-How come I wasn't originally on MK Armageddon,they put friggin Meat,what did I do wrong?

(beep)

Hornbuckle-If you don't know me,and you don't,I'm that guy that was in the background fighting Blaze on MK2,I'm Liu Kang's loser brother,Liu Kang isn't that great! His feet stink!

(beep)

Argus-I am Taven's dad,and boy am I ashamed of that!

(beep)

Belokk-Just because I never made it to MK Gold doesn't mean I'm not important! I'm just as talented as Raiden,Kung Lao,and Liu Kang. Except I was scrapped,OK,maybe I wasn't that great.Great,now I've depressed myself.

(beep)

Dairou-I'm a terrificly terrific character,I'm as cool as Aquaman!

(beep)

Aquaman-OK,that's it,I'm tired of being picked at,now I'm mad,I will talk to my fish friends and summon them to kill you

(beep)

Voice-Expect more messages soon!


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note: In the following piece of writing I poke fun of God and Christians. I am not an atheist or anything but I do poke fun at God, if you are sensitive to this type of humor then please I suggest that you do not read any further. I also poke fun at this website , please realize that I have no problems with this site. So please don't suspend me! Please, I'm begging you! I got a family to feed! Sorry. You know I love ya!**

Raiden- Hey I'm not here now so leave me some messages saying nice things about me or I'll kill you.

(beep)

Jax- Hey yo man you got any Windex? I need to clean my arms. Everyone keeps laughing at me!

(beep)

Sub-Zero- I am starting to get annoyed! I can't have a morning cup of coffee because I freeze everything I touch! That's why I've never been able to get a girlfriend because every time I get sexually aroused I freeze them. Well there is Frost but she hasn't gotten over the whole "trying to kill me" thing yet.

(beep)

Kano- Are you hungry? Try my new cereal "Kan-os"! Makes your milk turn blood red!

(beep)

Scorpion- Do you think you're clever? I just have realized that back in high school you switched our tests around and you were the one that got an "A" instead of me! I'm on to you! What lies and deceits you planning next? If I find you I'm going to rupture your kidneys with my spear and shout "get over here!"

(beep)

Quan Chi- It's not fair, how come I have the lamest fatality in Mortal Kombat history? In Mortal Kombat Deadly Alliance all I do is stretch their fucking neck! What's next? Am I going to message their dick? You, Scorpion, and Sub-Zero always have cool fatalities but not me!

(beep)

Batman- You better pray to Ed Boon that you're not in Mortal Kombat Vs DC Universe because if you are I'm going to make you hang out with Robin. That will be my fatality! That kid seriously pisses me off. I want to kill him but I have that "no killing" rule. Sometimes I hate being a good person.

(beep)

Fujin- Okay, I've only been on one Mortal Kombat game. Give me a chance to be in the spotlight for once will ya? I mean I know being the God of thunder and lightning is more interesting than being the god of wind, and I also know that I was simply added to Mortal Kombat 4 with Sindel's moves and a dumb gimmick just so they could have new characters. But still... Aw fuck it.

(beep)

Rayden- Hello, it's me. A clone of you with a different spelling of the name. I am more evil than you. You will protect Earthrealm or I will make you watch _Meet The Spartans_ over and over again!

(beep)

God- Hello, I am god. The actual god, I have no problem with you being a fellow god. Do not listen to the whiners or "heavily religious Christians" when they say Mortal Kombat sucks because I am the only god that exists and not you. I mean I even play Mortal Kombat! I own Satan at it every day!

(beep)

Fanfiction- Hello, yes we pester you through voice messages now. We're just calling to let you know that three of your collections of messages were taken off the site because they used real people. DO NOT USE REAL PEOPLE AGAIN!

(beep)

Ed Boon- Hello, it's me, a real person. Just calling to tell you that you will NOT be in Mortal Kombat Vs DC Universe because we don't like you. My favorite character is Scorpion and you're not. Loser!

(beep)

Scorpion- I am sorry to hear that you will not be in the next Mortal Kombat game snickers and I had NOTHING to do with that decision. It was not a revenge plot from me because you switched our tests back in High School.

(beep)

Superman- You won't be in Mortal Kombat Vs DC Universe? That's super for me! Now I won't have to worry about getting a super asswhipping from you!

(beep)

DrowningSorrows01- What the hell was that last message? Did I seriously type that shit? Oh my god, I am so out of ideas!

(beep)

Shang Tsung- Bwahahahahahaha! I will steal your soul! Your soul shall fit me perfectly, I hate my soul because I have lame tastes in movies! You like better movies and that's why I will be acquiring your soul soon...

(beep)

Shang Tsung- Very soon...

(beep)

Voice- No more messages.


	6. Chapter 6

Voice- The thunder god you are trying to call hates your guts, hence why he didn't answer. So leave a message.

(beep)

Johnny Cage- Look, you could have at least apologized for breaking my PS3. That was a 500 dollar PS3 asshole!

(beep)

Jax- Hahaha, switch mine and Sonya's wardrobes around. Sooooo funny!! Actually, as strange as it is, I do feel sexy in this outfit... but it makes my butt look too big...

(beep)

Scorpion- What makes you so special? Huh? Huh? Huh?! How come the hookers will have sex with you for free but I have to pay the fine!!

(beep)

Sub-Zero- You know something? I get some strange messages too on my answering machine...

(beep)

Little-Madman-Of-My-House- Hey Raiden I am just calling to say YOU SUCK!! I can't win shit with you in Mortal Kombat Deadly Alliance!! SCREW YOU!!

(beep)

Liu Kang- I don't quite know what it is but I feel as if people have started hating me ever since Mortal Kombat Annihilation came out. Of course it could've been worse. I could have gotten a talentless actor to portray me and have myself get an unnecessary haircut like you did.

(beep)

God- Hey Raiden. It's your pal God here, just letting you know that the way you travel to heaven is different now. When you get past Pluto you will see two paths Heaven is the left path and Hell is the right path. You will have to show your "Proof of godliness" card to the security that waits at heaven's gates, otherwise you will be sent to Hell where only murderers, rapists, and people that listen to heavy metal belong.

(beep)

Dairou- Hey you there? Hello? Hello? Hello? (two hours later) Hello? Hello? Well, I guess you're not. It was nothing important, I was just calling to say "pudding". Later.

(beep)

Fujin- Listen I know I am a better god than you, I mean I am the "God of Wind"... Okay that IS lame!! I was wanting to be the God of Torture but they already gave that position to Uwe Boll. Have you tried watching his movies??

(beep)

DrowningSorrows1- That's right... keep giving me your messages. They will eventually make me rich and famous and I will RULE THE WORLD... Damn it, that last part was supposed to be in lowercase letters and have a bunch of those exclamation points after it to show that I was yelling. What the fuck is wrong with my keyboard??

(beep)

Voice- No more goddamn motherfucking cheap-ass little testicle-sucking assramming messages!!


	7. Chapter 7 Hey look! It's a title!

Raiden- I still don't know why I haven't disabled this yet. I'm never home. I wasn't even aware I had a home. I mean yeah there is my Sky Temple but I don't venture there. It's just a scam to get people to pay money to go look at!

*beep*

Scorpion- Yeah, it's me again. You thought I was gone didn't you? Well my little thundery friend I have news for ya! I just saved money by switching to Geico!!!

*beep*

Sub-Zero- I'm not afraid of your lightning powers anymore!! You can't tell me what to do now!! I was calling to say "FUCK YOU!!" but I guess I already said it.

*beep*

Shao Kahn- ...... Can't we come to some sort of compromise? You always kick my ass. Why do I still try, I guess I'll have to go back to cleaning toilets at the Monastery.....

*beep*

Angry Video Game Nerd- I was playing Mortal Kombat 3 and still after all these years it still fucking reeks of ass!

*beep*

Voice- Just calling to confirm your court appearance. You're being sued by a Mr. or could be Mrs for all we know, Lars Ulrich. That should teach you to listen to Metallica without paying with your wallet and soul! When you double cross Metallica you will pay for a long time!

*beep*

Sonya- Sicko! I seen you looking at my chest when we fought those invading aliens, I still remember one that dressed up like a bat! Anyways, you looked at my really hard to notice chest! I was dressed exactly like a military person should!

*beep*

Fujin- Ah! Sorry about not helping you save Earthrealm during your recent battle with Shinnok! It's just that this damn Goldeneye 007 game is SO addictive!!!! *Imitates gun noises* My name is Fujin- James- wait a minute! I don't have a first name! Or is it last name? I don't know!

*beep*

Bo Rai Cho- I think I've stayed sober long enough to get with the current times and its current trends. I just bought the new Nintendo 64 and have you heard of this new metal band called Pantera? They are really something! They might make it big and their guitarist might live past age 38!!!

*beep*

Answering Machine Voice- Must you ALWAYS let people leave messages? An answering machine is for when you can't come to the phone, it's not used for laziness to answer it! Give me a rest will you? I might unplug myself if I have to hear more of this!

*beep*

Scorpion- Hey, in case you're wondering I am still on that "Kill Raiden and rape his corpse" plan. I'm leaving you a message though because I think I left my sword at your Temple after my daily "Steal things from Raiden's temple" hour. Could you give it back? I mean I can't kill you if I have no weapon. Thanks.

*beep*

Answering Machine Voice- *sigh* Yet again, no more messages. Now quit calling this damn number! Either that or stop being so entertained by this! You couldn't possibly want to keep reading these would you?


	8. Chapter 8 Never upset a moose! NEVER!

**Twilight gets roasted, burnt to a crisp and digested by sharks in this one. If you love Twilight then I suggest you find another story. =]**

**Love, Your unfriendly neighborhood fanfiction author.**

Raiden- What is it with you people? Do I got to spell things out for you? Do I have to summon lightning to destroy your house for you to get the point? STOP LEAVING MESSAGES!!

*beep*

Jax-....... You people? Oh, I see how it is! Well pardon me for not being the skin color you were hoping for! At least I know what race I am! What are you? You are based off named from a Japanese mythological character but you look Caucasian! I just called to say that I am quitting your squad!!!

*beep*

Scorpion- I'm hard at work at coming up with a clever and original catchphrase! So that way I can say it before or after I kick somebody's ass! Maybe I can say it before AND after, maybe during the asskicking as well! So you better watch out!

*beep*

Santa Claus- Damn right you better watch out.....

*beep*

Voice- I don't know who you are or why you keep calling me but my refrigerator isn't running for the last time! I checked myself to see if it was!! And was there currently any running? No! So if you call and ask if my refrigerator is running I will say no because it isn't!!!

*beep*

Scorpion- Okay, how about this? "You seek pain from Scorpion and you will feel More-pion!!!" Ha! Get it? More rhymes with Score? Not only could I be an action movie star I could be the next biggest comedian since Carrot Top! Why stop there? "Words from Scorpion, your mother's a whore-pion!!!" Man I'm full of them!!!

*beep*

Scorpion- Oh yeah, you suck too!

*beep*

Scorpion- Okay, I won't call anymore after this I swear, but I'm kinda sitting here all along.... with nobody to talk to.... I'm so bored right now. There's nobody around here to kill, the village I was staying in kicked me out for being crazy! Me, crazy? Hardly!!

*beep*

Sub-Zero- I'm attempting something new with my life. I will now come up with a catchphrase!!! Is "I will kick your ice." any good? I think it is!!! It's pretty clever too!! Not only could I be an action movie star I could be the next biggest comedian since Carrot Top!

*beep*

Scorpion- Doc-Ock? You there? It's me Scorpion! I finally have a plan to get rid of Spider Man once and for all! Wait a minute, this isn't Doc Ock! This isn't even a comic book character I'm calling!

*beep*

David Harper- It is I! The Scorpion! I know you've never heard of me because my comics lasted about as long as it takes for you to nap, but it still doesn't stop me from being referenced does it? I change identities every few years, so who will I be next time? Batman? Superman? Or even you?

*beep*

Scorpion- It is me, just a regular old Scorpion you always see stinging people. Just called a random number to brag about our species learning how to talk and ironically knowing how to use a phone at the same time!

*beep*

Quan Chi- I'm tired of this constant fighting. Why can't we all just get along? I'm sick of almost getting killed by you for what? I don't know! And that's the problem, why am I evil? Yet again, I don't know because the games never make that clear!! Curse you Ed Boon and your laziness to detail and a coherent plot!!

*beep*

Metallica002- Why am I not rich and famous yet? Your wacky and crazy messages should have gotten more rich and powerful enough to conquer the world!! How will I achieve world domination when you are slacking off? These messages don't leave themselves so chop chop!

*beep*

Nitara- You know what tastes worse than drinking period blood? The awful taste left in my mouth after reading a recent novel. Me being a vampire and all I have to have something to do during the day, so I read this book called "Twilight" and it sucked! It ruined vampires and it was nonsensical when it came to a plot! How can people actually LIKE this stuff? I guess the author is lucky teenage girls and morons exist otherwise it would have no fans!!! I should show that Cullen pussy what a real vampire is!

*beep*

Answering Machine Voice- Please, just go away. No more messages, hopefully it will remain that way forever. I think I'm going to die now.....


	9. Chapter 9 If you give a mouse a noose

**Author's note: Okay, I honestly do not like this one very well, but it has been a while since you last heard of Raiden and you guys may actually like it. I don't want to deprive you of this silliness.**

Raiden- Hello, this is Raiden. Spoiled thunder god who knows no difference between right and wrong. Leave a message.

*beep*

Scorpion- Hey man, I have seen the light. I have a new calling in life, I have decided to write poetry!!! I will show my more creative genius and my sensitive side with this experiment!!! I was going to ask for your opinion on a poem I have in mind... I'll call back.

*beep*

Sub-Zero- Okay man, so you thought it was pretty funny to get me drunk huh??? Explain to me just how I woke up inside a suana afterwards??? You know damn well I could've melted! You have some explaining to do buddy!!

*beep*

Sub-Zero- I take it back! Some of me has already melted!!! I cannot even take a piss or screw chicks anymore thanks to you!

*beep*

Fujin- I'm sorry to bother you but I seem to have misplaced my Wind Staff. Even if it does absolutely nothing it is still important to me. It makes me look like a badass and not some lame gimmick like the God Of Wind!!! Oh wait.....

*beep*

Bella Swan- For the last time you asshole, I am NOT interested in you! I prefer my guys to not have a pulse or a tan. You have both and it is quite disturbing! You also do not come across as a creepy stalker! What girl in their right mind wants a man who doesn't stalk??? Fuck you! I'm staying with what's-her-face!

*beep*

The Terminator- Hello. I was calling to see if you have acquired any time travel mechanisms for me to use, but it seems you are unable to process this call. I'll be back.

*beep*

Scorpion- Hey man, I am working so brilliantly on this poem that I think I have become the new king of poetry!!! Fuck you Edgar Allan Poe! Can't wait to send it to you.

*beep*

Raijin- You fucking plagarist! You do realize that I had this gimmick long before you came along right? "God Of Thunder and Lightning" my ass! I should sue you!

*beep*

The Terminator- I am back. Now though I no longer am in need of a time travel mechanism because I have been terminated from my job at terminating other terminators that tried to terminate people in the past. I have considered another job though...

*beep*

Answering Machine Voice- Hey! Some big dude just walked in and threw me out of my home, which is your answering machine! Now where will I go????

*beep*

Scorpion- okay, here is the genius poem:

*machine cuts off*

The Terminator- Hello. You have reached the end of the current messages. There are no more to compute. Hasta la vista, baby.


	10. Chapter 10 The Really vulgar chapter

Deep within the twisted, unimaginative realms of Fanfiction comes the next rushed, and most likely disappointing, blockbuster smash! Raiden finds that once again Metallica002 cannot stop milking this franchise or prove that he has any actual talent!

Raiden's Answering Machine! Part... who fucking knows?

Raiden- Leave a message or die trying!

*beep*

Scorpion- Okay, that poetry thing totally wasn't cutting it... but I found something I am really good at! Being a ninja who isn't very quiet! I mean Ninjas are supposed to be stealthy and sneaky, are they not? But here I am just shooting spears and fire at people in the middle of daylight! Oh damn... that isn't very good at all. Should I start cutting my necro wrists now?

*beep*

Voice- Um, hello? This is the Godly House Services. We understand you haven't been paying your thunder taxes so we are now assume the job title of "bugging the shit out of you" until you pay us our money. Don't make us beg you!

*beep*

Fujin- I'm really getting pissed off here! I mean, look at me! I'm a badass, an underused and underappreciated character! But it seems to me the only thing I am used for is constant jokes about my wind gimmick! I mean really! Look at every single one of these! It never changes, I call and bitch about how quote "lame" unquote my wind powers are! You're doing more than beating the dead horse! You've sliced the dead horse into bits by now! I quit!

*beep*

Sub-Zero- Remember... tomorrow. A deadly task awaits us. We must go watch the newest Twilight flick. Remember to bring the liquor, shrooms and acid like last time so we have a chance of actually enjoying it. It didn't work last time though did it?

*beep*

Squeaky, nasally, prepubescent voice- Like, how dare you! Twlight is, like, sooooooo awesome and stuff. It makes my decent life so much more enjoyable. I love Edward so much! I claim that he is my boyfriend but he is only a word printed on paper in reality! Oh Edward, ram your fictional cock into me! You like, have no tastes. Loser!

*beep*

Ed Boon- Hey, remember that thing we did where you were all evil instead of the good guy Raiden we all knew and loved? Remember how everyone hated it? We are going to do it again with Mortal Kombat 9!

*beep*

Liu Kang- Hey man, I heard about what Ed told you. The staff are such idiots, first they make me a fucking zombie then they make you evil! After that was what? Mortal Kombat vs DC? No wonder Midway went out of business...

*beep*

Roger Ebert- I give this here fanfiction two thumbs down, Too bad nobody seems to listen to a guy who doesn't have a jaw anymore. Now I know how Johnny Bravo feels...

*beep*

Voice- You know, this has been very tasteless, offensive and disturbing. You should be ashamed of yourself for making jokes about Ebert! I have never been so offended since five minutes ago when I was offended over being offended!

*beep*

Voice- And yes, in case you were wondering, I do go to church. Just like the rest of the crybabies in the world!

*beep*

Nitara- My life sucks man. Nobody understands me. Perhaps it is because I am such an underdeveloped character... why didn't he design me with a razor so I could cut myself? Why didn't they actually spend time on me instead of just using the first cliche they could think of? Fuck my life...

*beep*

Reptile- Sssssssup? You ssssstill going to come to that big Nazzzzi orgy later tonight? We are having fried Jewsssssss for dinner.

*beep*

Answering machine- I bet you're wondering how I got my job back when The Terminator kicked me out last time aren't ya? Too bad, Metallica002 doesn't want to explain it. Fuck you!

*bbep*

Jax- bbep? What kind of weird machine goes bbep? Where'd you get that machine from anyway? From Microsoft?

*beep*

Jax- Oh yeah, I forgot to ask you... do you know of any good porn websites? I have gone a whole ten minutes without any sort of sexual suggestions towards Sonya... Help me please.

*beep*

Answering Machine- No more messages. You greedy fucks...


	11. Chapter 11 Pretend I Was Never Gone

**At long last! I am back and finally out of prison-er, I mean rehab-er, I mean... College! Yeah, that's it! I hope you enjoy this chapter because I spent a whole 5 minutes writing it!**

Raiden: This is Raiden. If I were here then I wouldn't answer anyway because most likely it isn't important. What is more important than saving Earthrealm? Exactly. Now fuck off.

*beep*

GuyWithNoOriginality- Raiden? Yo, are you there? This series has been on a long enough hiatus. Time to get back to work... Of course, if you weren't at work you would actually be around to answer your phone. So, NO MORE BREAKS!

*beep*

Ed Boon- Um yeah, GuyWithNoOriginality. Raiden is MY intellectual property you asshole. You keep using his name like the spineless leech that you are... well you will find it hard to do so again after I rip off your head!

*beep*

Scorpion- Raiden! What's up buddy? I haven't from you in a while. Did you ever get me that movie I asked you to get for me? "Rough Gay Anal Sex Vol 2?" By the way, I am getting this for a friend of mine... yep.

*beep*

Sub-Zero- It would be ice to hear from you again. It's rather cold to just give me and all the other fighters the cold shoulder like you've been doing. What, we're not cool enough for you now? I am fucking Sub-Zero! Nobody is cooler nor colder than me!

*beep*

Jax- Yo brah, since da las' installament... I've become more stereotypical an' shit, nigga. Anyway brah, you seen my bitch Sonya? She owe me about five blowjobs and a turkey sandwich... and don' tell her dis but I am cheating on her with Kitana.

*beep*

Sonya- If you see Jax, don't tell him that I am cheating on him... with Kitana, okay? I am experimenting with women.

*beep*

Goro- I'm really working on my forearms! Next time we fight, you're done!

*beep*

Goro- Oops, I forgot to ask you... can I come over to your temple right quick? I really have to pee...

*beep*

Shinnok- You have my amulet! I know it! Until you give it back I will have to keep calling and hanging up repeatedly!

*beep*

Goro- You fucking asshole! I just needed to use your bathroom! Do you know how much it hurts holding it in when you have four bladders? Of course you don't because you don't ever HAVE to pee! Why do you even have a bathroom then? Does the writer even think before typing this shit out?

*beep*

Jesus- Hi! I am calling for absolutely no reason! Well, see ya later!

*beep*

Shinnok-...

*beep*

Shang Tsung- Just calling to ask you if you have any spare souls lying around? My shoes really need them. Ha! Get it!

*beep*

Angry Internet Virgin- you gotta be kidding me! That's the best joke you can come up with? No, fuck you! I don't care if it's called "Raiden's Answering Machine"! It's still written by you and I am talking to YOU! So fuck you, fuck Raiden and fuck your goldfish!

*beep*

GuyWithNoOriginality- Why you so mean to my goldfish? -cries-

*beep*

Shinnok-...

*beep*

Chuck Norris- It is me! That really overrated guy that people only know of because of a meme! Since I lost my last bit of integrity years ago when I became a bibletumping Christfag... I was just calling to ask if you've converted to Christianity. I know you're a literal God but I don't care. I am Chuck Norris and I am THAT egotistical to ask you.

*beep*

Raiden- Damn it, how about you fuckers stop calling my phone? It's been what, six years or so? Seriously, STOP!

*beep*

Shinnok-...

*beep*

Jax- Ay nigga! Why da fuck did you let Sonya cheat on me fo, you punk bitch! Kitana be a slut an shit anyway...

*beep*

Voice- No more messages, bitch.


	12. Chapter 12 Johnny Cage Is A Pervert

This summer, coming to a lame website near you. Comes Raiden's Answering Machine Part 12! With more sequels than the SAW movies you are bound to like this one if you're still around!

Raiden's Answering Machine Part 12: How The Hell Are These Still Here? Coming soon!

And that soon is RIGHT NOW. Let's go!

"The number you are trying to reach refuses to answer. Please leave a message."

*Beep*

"Hey man, it's Johnny Cage. Could you hook me up with that Sonya babe? I've seen a nice pair of tits in my time but WOW. She is definitely my eye of the night!"

*beep*

"Hey, it's Sonya. Did you give Cage my number? He keeps sending me pictures of his penis and says 'To my best lay, Sonya.'"

*beep*

"Hey, it's Liu Kang. Good job on getting me killed, asshole. If the message you sent to yourself was to let Shao Kahn win then why didn't you just simply say 'Let Shao Kahn win.'?! Then we could have ended everything a lot damn sooner! You're a horrible protector!"

*beep*

"It's Kitana. Listen, we gotta talk about Johnny Cage. He keeps sending me perverted pictures through email. One was of him flexing with one of his Oscars in the nude. I am so close to just cutting his head off. Please call me."

*beep*

"Stryker here. Could you tell the others in the group to lay off of me a little? They keep calling me a sissy because I don't have powers like them, and I swear that Sub-Zero is watching my every move."

*beep*

"Sub-Zero here. I have been trying to tell Stryker that his fly is open but for some reason he keeps trying to avoid me. Could you tell him? Thanks."

*beep*

"Raiden? This is Big Bombarder. Look, I am sorry I betrayed you but I was in over my head back then. I was trying to protect my family. Can we talk this out, please?"

*beep*

"Goddamn, how many Raidens are there? First I called this one other dude and ended up getting a call from some guy named Solid Snake to leave him alone. Then, I call you and you're some sort of thunder god. Wait, didn't that one comic book place make a movie about you?"

*beep*

"It's Jade. I am getting sick of Johnny Cage. He keeps sky-writing perverted messages over my home. Why, the last one said 'I call my dick _Driving_ since bitches suck at it.' I feel dirty and used. Please come and straighten him out."

*beep*

*heavy breathing* "Tonight... you."

*beep*

"This is your dentist, I am appalled at your form of gratitude. I give you all of my hospitality and you don't even bother to pay me? You pissed on my hospitality. You cannot piss on hospitality, I won't allow it!"

*beep*

"Don't you think I have to deal with enough, with my family dilemmas? Shao Kahn and Kitana are one annoying ass group to have to deal with. It's Sindel, by the way. I am calling though to let you know that Johnny Cage keeps invading my dreams. I can't sleep anymore without him showing up and flirting with me. He even mentioned something about 'making it look easy.' and threatened to 'cage' me until I was sore. Please help."

"This is Cage, I am shocked at your accusations. I would never do any of those mentioned actions... at least not with your knowledge. I am coming to kick your ass, that will be the part where you fall down... for good!"

*beep*

"Hello. This is Nightwolf. I am starting to think it was a bad idea to send that Freddy guy back into the Dreamworld he came from. Wasn't that what made him stronger in the first place? Damn, I need to lay off that peace pipe."

*beep*

"This is Sub-Zero. What happened to Scorpion? He hasn't tried to kill me in about a week. Not saying I am worried but I think he may be up to something."

*beep*

"There are no more messages."


End file.
